“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

I have been waiting for someone to break the story about the Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller sex scandal for weeks. My source told me all the salacious dish about their drug-induced, hyper-active sexcapades but asked me not to share it with my lovely readers. Well, now that RadarOnline has done so, I am happy to spill what I know. First of all, when the Christmas interlude between the two of them went down, there was something amiss about the whole incident. With twin babies nestled in their beds on Christmas eve, what could have possibly been going on downstairs that prompted Brooke to want to kick his ass and/or Charlie wanting to slit her throat? I Mean…What?!? What could possibly have been said to warrant such anger and hostility? Granted, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so we are left to our imaginations, and Lord knows, mine works overtime. But you have to imagine that Mueller must have had something on him that could potentially ruin his career. In Hollywood, that is an acceptable motivation to kill. But what could it be?

RadarOnline eludes to multiple sex partners with bi-sexuality implications. Granted, who cares about who is sucking on whose whatever, but at the end of the day, it makes perfect sense that he would become so enraged had she threatened to go public with his dilly dalliances. No one would give a cahoot if she was dillying with someone’s dally. Clearly there has to be truth to this story, as we now have that woman trying to sell her story…but that could be a case of “he said, she said”. So there has to be proof. My source told me about a piece of evidence that will blow (operative word here) this story wide open. There is video showing explicit sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Aaaaahhh, now, it all begins to make perfect sense. If Brooke has this video of Charlie Sheen having sex with a man, that would have prompted him to go for her throat on that fateful Christmas morning. When this video comes out, it could potentially impact the success of Two and A Half Men, the number one CBS show. And Lord knows, Les Moonves wants to protect his tony property at all costs. The New York Times Style did a piece today about Charlie Sheen and how he will end up as a reference in Webster’s Dictionary for his vain attempt to check himself into rehab as a preventative measure. Charlie’s henchmen have coined the phrase prehab in an effort to diffuse the situation. Prehab my ass. Once this video comes out, he will go from Webster’s Dictionary to TMZ in one fell swoop.