Days of Kim’s Lives…A Kardashian Named Desire

Kris Jenner

In the last episode titled, A Kardashian Kristmas, rumors were swirling that Kim Kardashian was skulking around with Kanye West. Surely not enough time had lapsed from when Kim ended her measly 72-day marriage to Kris “The Dufus” Humphries. Naturally Archangel Kris Jenner, whose sole reason on Earth is to protect her children, while throwing herself into the spotlight whenever possible, frowned at such a union. That Kristmas morning, Kris Jenner, clad in a leopard print bathrobe available at Sears, was nervously cruising the Internet and was horrified at all the negative comments about her family. Hence her frustration with her daughter Kim, a.k.a. the cash cow. And when I say cash cow, I mean kash and kow with a K.

Now that Kim is off the media’s shit list and they have resumed covering her every move, the Kardashian Kollection Klan, which we can lovingly call the KKK, has been spending all sorts of time in New York City. So, without any further ado, here is the next installment of The Day’s of Kim’s Lives…All Nine Of Them.




KRIS JENNER is seated at a leopard-print dinette set, clad in a one-shoulder, tiger-print robe available at Sears, reading the New York Post. She gasps, reacting to the picture of Kanye West’s leather pants being pulled up from below his fur-lined genitalia standing right behind her famous-for-her-behind daughter, Kim. KHLOE KARDASHIAN ODOM enters the room clad in the same tiger-print robe.

KHLOE: Mom, I said I was going to wear the Kardashian Kollection tiger-print robe this week. We can  not be filmed together wearing it. It’s weird.

KRIS JENNER: The crew is not going to be here for another hour, I will change in a bit. In the meanwhile, we have much bigger fish to fry.

KHLOE: You know I don’t cook. That is the secret to why Lamar and I have stayed together for so long. I feed him in other ways.

KRIS JENNER: Gross. Save that kind of talk for your upcoming television special, Playboy Channel Presents Khloe & Lamar: How To Have The Best Honeymoon and spare me the details.

KHLOE: Gosh, Ma, you are so uptight.

KRIS JENNER: Between Kim and Kanye’s disgusting picture in the Post and your sex talk, I am beginning to wonder who raised you girls?

KHLOE: (Shoots her a inquisitive look.) What disgusting picture?

KRIS JENNER: Look here. Kanye literally caught with his pants down, dry humping your sister.

KHLOE: Let me see, let me see.

KRIS JENNER: Is Kim in her room?

KHLOE: I guess, there was all sorts of rustling noises coming from there.

KRIS JENNER: She brought Kanye West home with her? (Marches to bedroom door, knocks on door.) Kim Kriselda Kardashian. You come out here at once. (Returns to dinette.)

KHLOE: Someone’s in trouble.

KIM KARDASHIAN enters wearing a one-shoulder, tiger-print robe.

KHLOE & KRIS JENNER: Why are you wearing that robe?

KIM: Oh, relax you two. Now what is so important that you interrupted my…my…beauty sleep.

KHLOE: There was an awful  lot of sheet rustling and moaning for someone claiming to be experiencing rem sleep.

KIM: Hush, Miss Ex-Dallas Cheerleader.

KRIS JENNER: Listen up, you two. I have worked my ass off since Kristmas with a K to get you back in the good graces with the media and the public. Have either of you ever read the things that people say about you on the internet? The world can not stand the two of you. But thanks to me, we have turned that Kris Humphries and lame basketball playing corner and gotten us back on track. The last thing I need from you two is lip service…especially not a collagen induced one.

KIM: Oh, relax, Tiger Mom.

KRIS JENNER: What did you call me?

KIM: Well, you are my mom and you are wearing tiger-print. Sheesh, get a sense of humor.

KHLOE: (Sotto to Kim) She needs to get laid. (To Kris) We are a bit worried about you, Mom. We think you need to take some time off. Maybe a vacation with Bruce.

KRIS JENNER: Are you kidding? That is the last thing I need right now. I have to be here in New York and keep my eye on the ball, not lollygagging at a friggen spa with your over-plucked and constantly-massaged step-father.

KHLOE: Do I detect trouble in paradise?

KRIS JENNER: I don’t want to talk about it. (Pours coffee, getting faklempt.)

The three women clad in one-shoulder, tiger-print robes huddle together at the leopard print dinette set and drink coffee out of zebra print mugs, all available at Sears.

KIM: Mom, we love you and are starting to get a bit worried.

KRIS JENNER: Girls, everything I do, is for you. Do you know what I have sacrificed?

KHLOE: We know, and that is why we want you to take it easy for a bit.

KIM: Yes, Marmy, you need a break. You are starting to act… well… weird.

KRIS JENNER: What do you mean?

KIM: I mean, your hair at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was scary. You looked like the Bride of Frankenstein.

KHLOE: We know we are not easy to handle. But we are amazing (The girls high five) and are here for you?

KIM: Even if us being here for you means that you are not here with us being here.

KHLOE: Huh? (Beat) Yes, what she said, I think.

KRIS JENNER: But, it is my job to…to…

KIM: It is your job to be our Mom. Period.

KHLOE: You have taken this Kardashian Krap with a K to heart. We love you but…but…

KIM: Maybe this is a good time to go back to Kalabasas and focus on Kylie and Kendall.

KHLOE: (Sotto) And out of our hair.

KRIS JENNER: What did you say?

KHLOE: And be out there… to take care of yourself.

KIM: You need to go home, spend some quality time with Bruce.

KRIS JENNER: Quality time with Grandma? As opposed to being a guest on the Today show? Or being photographed on the Red Carpet and having dinners in the Meatpacking District? Are you high?

The front door opens. BRUCE JENNER enters.

BRUCE, KIM & KHLOE: Surprise!

KRIS JENNER: What the fuck…

BRUCE: Well, that wasn’t quite the response I was hoping for.

KRIS JENNER: What I meant to say was, “What a lovely surprise”. (Rolls eyes.)

BRUCE: I knew this wasn’t a good idea.

KRIS JENNER: Well, whose idea was it?

KIM & KHLOE slink away from the table.

BRUCE: Well, if you must know, this is an intervention.

KRIS JENNER: A what? Intervention? From what?

KIM: We are afraid that you are addicted to the limelight.

KHLOE: And we all know how very dangerous that can be.

KRIS JENNER: I don’t know what you are talking about. I live in the shadow of my girls.

BRUCE: Shadow? Kris, you make beginning to make Kim look like Greta Garbo.

KHLOE: Ouch.

KRIS JENNER: I am only doing my job as the family momager to make us rich and famous. And this is the thanks I get? A one way ticket to rehab?

BRUCE: Think of it as a hiatus.

KRIS JENNER: Don’t patronize me.

KIM & KHLOE: It’s just for a little.

KRIS JENNER: Is it Promises at least, so I can be with some other celebrities?

BRUCE: Oh, brother.

KANYE WEST enters with nothing but a blanket wrapped around his nether region.

KANYE: What is all the commotion about. Don’t you people ever separate?

KRIS JENNER: Maybe you can talk some sense into these people. They want to send me to a celebrity rehab.

KANYE: (To Bruce) Are you their grandmother?

BRUCE: No, it’s me, Bruce Jenner.

KANYE: (To Kris) Well, celebrity rehab sure beats going to A.A.

KRIS JENNER: (Breaks down) Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

BRUCE: You need a few weeks to just be still. We will all be fine.

KYLIE and KENDALL enter.

KRIS JENNER: Girls, girls, help me. They want to send me away.

KYLIE & KENDALL: You told her?

KRIS JENNER: But we have that shoot for Teen Vogue China next week.

KYLIE & KENDALL: Mommy, we have got it covered.

KRIS JENNER: What do you mean?

KYLIE & KENDALL: William Morris Endeavor has it all under control.

KRIS JENNER: William Morris? Endeavor? Those sharks? Over my dead body are any of you to take a meeting with anyone, ever. (Freaks out)

Two male nurses enter with a straight jacket and approach KRIS JENNER.

KRIS JENNER: What do you think you’re doing? Kim, Khloe, Bruce?

KANYE: We’ll visit you.

KRIS JENNER: Somebody help me. Better yet, somebody call my publicist.

One of the nurses injects KRIS JENNER with a sedative.

KRIS JENNER: Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

The male nurses put the straight on KRIS JENNER and they plop her in a chair. She zonks out.

KANYE: Now, let’s get this party started.

They all start dancing. The male nurses are strippers.




Leave a Reply