“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Here we go again. Another Hilton heir is on the rise. Paris and Nikki’s younger brother Barron Nicholas, who as of late has been partying all around London, has  “officially” decided he wants to be something, do something, sing something. And I quote: “I’m sick of all the Hilton stuff, where all anyone cared about was whether I was doing coke in the bathroom or how many [bleeps] I was sleeping with. I’m done with partying and traveling. It’s time to get this [bleep] started.” I am trying to figure out what was bleeped out here. Hmmm, how many bleeps he was sleeping with? Whores, hookers, men, bitches? These words are not bleep-able. And as for getting this bleep started. Oh, I know, the word must be shit, ’cause that’s exactly what his singing will undoubtedly be. My favorite quote from Sir Barron Crispy Maroon is, “I want to be an international singer-songwriter.” Really? An international one? Like starting with the United States isn’t a big enough challenge. I know, you gotta think big in this world. But, might I suggest that you stop bleeping for one minute, put out a record, hell, a demo even, I’m not picky, then send it to your cousin Perez Hilton, and let us decide if you are going to become an international anything. You know, like Perez Idol.

_An interesting development as a result of the current dramatic fiscal crisis is that my appetite for dish (that is truly irrelevant to my life) has diminished. I used to start my day with the gossip blogs, then read the Times, Huffington Post, AmericaBlog, Politico, WWD. Now, reading about people that are having limited impact on Earth seems pointless, gone is the enjoyment of nonsensical dish. Entertainment Tonight, Extra, Access Hollywood….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I realize they are as easy to give up as those ridiculous morning shows like The Today Show. Yowza. Bla bla bla bla bla bla….we’ll be right back after 300 commercials…..and bla bla bla bla…four hosts giggle nervously……giggle, giggle….we’ll be right back after 300 commercials….

Back to Barron. Calling all Hiltons. Might I suggest you all, yes, you too Kathernine, focus on your hotels? I don’t care if you’re not interested in the hospitality industry…you have your name on it, and surely if you play your cards right, you could get a job at one of them. Like the one in Reykjavik, which could use much freshening up. But Barron, darling, as for singing and making a sad attempt at a music career, well, as my friend Valerie Cherish said so eloquently (may she rest in peace), “I DON’T need to SEE that. I don’t NEED to see THAT! And might I add in closing that the reality show that Barron is developing as he makes him meager attempt to become international man of mystery, “Is gonna be like ‘The Hills’ but real,” he says. ” This is gonna show the meetings, the production side, the recording side . . . I just want people to say, ‘Wow, this song really moved me, or made me cry.’ ” Oh, we’ll be crying all right.”