“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

The news, rather, the not news that Anderson Cooper is gay has sparked a flurry of comments, articles, reactions, presumptions and blather all of which has me wondering what Gay Bizarro World would be like. This is based on a Seinfeld episode based on a Superman episode where everything becomes the polar, or better yet, bi-polar opposite. For instance, in Gay Bizarro World, Kim Kardashian would announce that she is straight, making front page news in the New York Post and an Op-Ed piece by Thomas Friedman in The New York Times. The nationwide reaction would be shock, awe, dismay and sadness because Kim is so hot, and what a shame that men, and only black ones at that, would be the ones to taste the fruit of that vine, as it were. That conversation would spin out of control to revive the ills of multiracial relationships and questioning their legality.

Another top story, I mean, the other not really big news would be that all forty of John Travolta’s masseurs had mounted a class action lawsuit against the actor for his inappropriate hair color, only to be thrown out of the Supreme Court by the deciding vote by Clarence Thomas, while sipping a Coke Zero. That item would be buried in the back of every newspaper and Entertainment Tonight‘s lead piece that evening would be Growing Pains has-been Kirk Cameron hosted a Sermon on the Mount in Yuckahoe, Tennessee that attracting a record number of gays because of his boyish good looks, even though he is middle-aged.

Meanwhile the statistics in Gay Bizarro World would show that the gay divorce rate had superseded the straight one and the national trend was a return to living together out of wedlock while bridezillas were being thrown in jail for being beyond annoying. The highly motivated youth culture would have taken to the streets culminating in an epic March on Washington against poverty and our crumbling education system demanding change from our white female president, Hillary Clinton.

What’s next? Hip-hop stars and rappers coming out of the closet?