“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Last season I reviewed Jersey Shore and somehow this season’s review is eerily similar. Could it be because nothing has really changed besides their location? The Return to the Jersey Shore is actually a better title for season three. Do we even call them seasons? They are more like outings. Perhaps even a series of mini-series. Jersey Shore is like Roots without the class. In Thursday night’s season opener, we met an even tackier version of Snooki, her friend Deena. What can I say besides Jersey Shore is chock-full of cursing chubby people. OK, so The Situation has good abs, but he is a fat head, so I am not all wrong. There are no redeemable qualities to these people. Yesterday, it was announced in the media that Snooki has signed about as many licensing deals as Pierre Cardin. Snooki was quoted, “I do not want to be a role model.” Trust me honey, you are not. She would rather become a logo and be branded on the ass of anything she can. Sammi is anything BUT a sweetheart. Rather, she is a jerk. Granted, I get why she is trying to separate herself from the other girls because they really are useless. Sammi Giancola just announced that she is launching a signature fragrance, Dangerous. What’s dangerous is forever wearing a puss that looks as though you are smelling poop. All the guys were castrated in last night’s episode, it was all about the Tudgies. Naturally the final cliffhanger scene was filled with flying punches between Jwoww and Sammi. Where is the Skank Patrol when you need it?

Duh, of course I will surely tune in to watch those chubby bitches tear their extensions out next week.

Season Two Jersey Shore

With the endless promotion building up for the second season of MTV’S Jersey Shore, it was inevitable that the show would not live up to the hype. Sure, I tuned in…but I DVR’ed it so the advertisers don’t get my eyeballs. Strike One. “We’re going to Miami, bitches” was uttered more times than was necessary. Last season, I was the last holdout for the show. It wasn’t until Christmas vacation, snowbound in Rhinebeck, that I watched all the episodes back to back. Yes…it was brilliant. But, brilliant because it was like some kind of sociology experiment, observing creatures that would be considered study-able, becoming extinct like Chimpanzees or perhaps even legendary beings rumored to be walking the Earth like Chupacabra or the Abominable Snowman. These kids are like no one I have ever met, yet, we know they exist…clearly…on MTV. The first episode of season two was cute…ish. Repetitive beyond, and we learned nothing new about any of these characters. You know this show is in trouble if Angelina is the most likable of the Guidettes. “I am way too classy for these bitches,” she says. Really? Think again. Of course there were a few great lines, my favorite is the one from Ronnie‘s friend, “Double Bagger, you know, you wear a bag over your head, too, in case the bag falls off her head.” Pearls of wisdom. Sure, Snooki is the main character, but if she doesn’t get a good storyline, she will quickly become annoying…which she probably was before her good fortune of getting cast on the show. JWoww is a friggen toodgie. Her instinct to beat someone’s ass is less than interesting and sadly, she is now a role model of some sort. As school systems, teachers and parents are anxiously trying to harness rampant Bullying, here comes a barely-clad skank with nothing else up her sleeve besides a fist. That, my dears, is not a good thing. The Guidettes are like the cheesy versions of the Sex and the City broads, known booze-hounds and sexual desperados. What impact do these gals have on the women’s movement? Surely not the women’s movement I knew growing up in the 70’s. But, what do I know?