“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Finally, men can come out of the closet…and we are not talking about their sexuality here, rather, that men can openly say they use cosmetics and still maintain their butchness…ish. The New York Times Style section has an article about the rapidly growing market of cosmetics created exclusively for men. I love that the evolution of man boils down to his desire to maintain his youth and beauty. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. On the contrary. When men became admitted metrosexuals…though I prefer the term Manzies for this purpose…all bets were off. Suddenly, “straight” men were allowed to… Read More »

The papers are trashing Jennifer Aniston for her newest bomb The Switch, which you could have seen coming a mile away by the premise alone. Who walks around with the sperm intended for the hoo-ha. Your biological time clock is ticking…what’s with the celebration before the fact? Hurry up girl…shove it in. Here’s how the casting of this role went down. INT. CAA OFFICES – DAY CAA AGENT: Here, Jen, do this movie, it’s called The Switch. JENNIFER: Who is the director? CAA AGENT: (Thinking to himself) Who does she think she is…Bette Davis? JENNIFER: Is it yet another comedy?… Read More »

Surely you are anticipating the I Mean…What?!? Gross Baboon of the Year Award, which will be granted later this year. Yes, move over Razzies, because the Gross Baboons are coming. For you newcomers, the GBOTY Award honors those annoying people that have graced monopolized the media to the point that it makes me say, “I don’t need to see that”. Nominees to date include: Mel Gibson, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods, Jon Gosselin, Joselyn James…get the picture? Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are the latest nominees and their new-found togetherness has even created a new category,… Read More »

We knew that Rachel Uchitel would not fade into the woodwork forever after taking the alleged millions of dollars from Tiger Woods in exchange for shutting her uber-collagen enhanced lips about their illicit sexual affair. The good news is, who needed her to tell us anything, my sources told me plenty. In particular, Tiger would demand sex AT LEAST three or four times a day, that she would have to drop what she was doing and run to his side…no questions asked. Clearly, the slogan “Tiger in his tank” has new meaning. Woodsy also preferred a different orifice each time,… Read More »

A while back I wrote a piece for The Huffington Post called Mistresses Anonymous. The inspiration for the article was in response to an item in Page Six about Jamie Jungers, the first in a series of hookers from Tiger Woods fame. Anyhoo, the gist was that Jamie was trying to hook up (for lack of a better term) with Sarah Symonds, the ex-hussy who Gordon Ramsey dilly-dallied (or is it diddle-daddled) with for seven years. Sarah had started a 12 Step Program called Mistresses Anonymous in an effort to help those who are powerless over rich, older men. Gotta… Read More »

Boy, it has been way too long since I did an entry of The Nobody News. Summer is usually the best time for TNN because virtually every nobody thinks they are somebody and virtually every nobody is wrong about that. We are all entitled to a good time for sure, just let’s relax about who gets included in Wire Image and Patrick McMullan. At least in The Evening Hours by Bill Cunningham in The New York Times Style section they feature people that are doing some good by attending fundraisers. So…nobodies with money. Ouch. This edition of The Nobody News… Read More »

Not that I didn’t predict this, but Mel Gibson has put the final nail in his own coffin…and all I can say is, “Toodles, you psychotic nut bag”. Listening to the chilling tape of Mel ranting to the mother of his newest baby, whom he has recently clocked in the jaw, I agree with Oksana Grigorieva when she says to him that he needs medication. However, the only the medication I would prescribe to that anti-semite is arsenic…to put him out of his misery once and for all. The pity here is that Hollywood has continued to go back to… Read More »

Here we go again….yet, another celebrity-turned-stink. This time, Bruce Willis is the man of the hour. Yup, because I know how much you have wanted to smell like Bruce Willis since his Moonlighting days. I personally wanted to smell like him when he was in Death Becomes Her, with Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn. Speaking of which, these gals would NEVER sign on to become a fragrance. Back to Bruce. The Bruce Willis Collection includes an eau de parfum, hair and body wash, deodorant spray and after shave balm. HAIR?!? Have they seen him in the past 20 years? This… Read More »

Hi there. Big holiday weekend. Am already away and wondered what to write about today, sitting idly by a pool. There’s not that much happening in the news, beyond the controversy between Mel Gibson and his Russian gold digger, Oksana Grigieva. Who knows, maybe she is a Russian spy, too. We all know what a sick f#&k Mel is, now we can officially add him to the list of nominees for Gross Baboon of the Year Award. This is shaping up to be quite a year. The first annual awards presentation with be held at the end of the year.… Read More »

The news of Sarah Palin‘s seemingly larger breasts almost overtook the BP Oil Spill as the most talked about item of the week. Once again, it shows how deep the American conscience runs. Dead birds…awww…can’t deal. Big, shiny new breasts…let’s discuss and re-Tweet. We must stop trying to act like the leaders of the free world when all we can think about are tits and ass. Our obsession with body parts has tainted our ability to see the forest from the trees. Or the war and the peace, frankly. To my point: Every men’s magazine has actresses in skanky positions,… Read More »