“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

There is little I can say about the catastrophe that is under way in the Gulf of Mexico, besides how upsetting it is. Am I furious at British Petroleum? Of course, AND because I am not Sarah Palin…who is surprisingly silent at this time. Am I going to sit here and complain about Barack Obama? You betcha. But only for a minute, because it was not his fault that this happened. It is his lame, passive response that has me up in arms. And where is Michelle, besides on the pages of every style blog? She needs to get her Wellies on and march down to Louisiana. Barack Obama now has a huge cross to bear for his George Bush-ian response to this tragedy. By the way, where was David Axelrod, who would shove Obama into the glare of the media ad nauseum in the past?

Rather than join all the bloviators and newly established experts that are creeping out of the woodwork to fill hours of cable airtime, I’d rather be on the side of making positive suggestions to help turn this otherwise horrendous situation into a possible good thing. So here is my perfect world solution. Take all that oil and mix it up with these great ingredients:

Mineral Oil, Water (Aqua), Beeswax, Paraffin, Cocoa (Thoebroma Cacao) Butter, Sodium Borate, Grape Seed (Vitis Vinifera) Extract, Elastin, Collagen, Panthenol, Stearyl Alcohol, Wheat (Triticum Vulgare) Germ Oil, Tocopherol (Vitamin E), Vegetable Oil, Retinyl Palmitate, Ergocalciferol (Vitamin A & D), Sodium Lauryl Sulfate, Diazolidinyl Urea, Propylene Glycol, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Fragrance (Parfum).

These are the elements in Queen Helene Grape Seed Extract Skin Firming Cream, the greatest product ever, which for some reason has been discontinued by Para Laboratories. Now, I may not be a scientist or anything, but that sludgy oil looks like it could do wonders to dry skin. Based on that, if we infuse these other lovely ingredients and you just might have an ocean full of youth enhancing moisturizer. Not only that, but you are coupled with the power of the sea, like Ahava, a popular Israeli skin care line that touts the benefits of the Dead Sea and other such hullabaloo. Now, if you don’t think every woman…and queen…on Earth wouldn’t line up to pay big bucks just to swim in some of that newly enhanced Youth Muck (working title) sludge…well…think again. We are talking about turning this whole situation around by promoting this unnatural disaster as the new fountain of youth. Do you realize the amount of spas that can be opened along the mouth of the Gulf? Move over French Riviera. OK, so the shrimpers lose their livelihood, but hey, they can become spa workers and masseurs. They can use their shrimp boats to take groups of ladies who lunch on day tours of the Youth Muck. Sure, it sounds crazy, but so does golf balls and hair clumps in the hopes of clogging that sucker.