“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

Gloria Allred, freedom fighter for all the single ladies, all the single ladies, has done it again. She was the lawyer on the case of real estate/actress Jodie Fisher, who was entangled with Mark Hurd, CEO of HP, the world’s largest tech conglomerate. Hurd resigned abruptly on Friday as a result of this case after paying off Little Miss Muffet, who in turn will cough up like 50% of her winnings to Madam Allred. I could just hear how that negotiation went down. INT. MARK HURD’S OFFICE – AFTERNOON ALLRED: OK, Markie Mark, let’s cut to the chase. What ya’… Read More »

Far be it from me to be a buzz kill, however, last time I checked we were still in the middle of two wars. Though the Afghanistan debacle is kind-of top-of-mind, we still have the Iraq situation, which gets very little media play…despite the fact that the July death toll there was the highest in two years. But, what do I know? Let’s just discuss the big news items of the day as though they are real hard-hitting news items. Hmmm, where shall I start? BREAKING NEWZZZ: Lindsay Lohan is able to smoke cigarettes while in rehab? How’s that for… Read More »

Surely you are anticipating the I Mean…What?!? Gross Baboon of the Year Award, which will be granted later this year. Yes, move over Razzies, because the Gross Baboons are coming. For you newcomers, the GBOTY Award honors those annoying people that have graced monopolized the media to the point that it makes me say, “I don’t need to see that”. Nominees to date include: Mel Gibson, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods, Jon Gosselin, Joselyn James…get the picture? Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are the latest nominees and their new-found togetherness has even created a new category,… Read More »

We knew that Rachel Uchitel would not fade into the woodwork forever after taking the alleged millions of dollars from Tiger Woods in exchange for shutting her uber-collagen enhanced lips about their illicit sexual affair. The good news is, who needed her to tell us anything, my sources told me plenty. In particular, Tiger would demand sex AT LEAST three or four times a day, that she would have to drop what she was doing and run to his side…no questions asked. Clearly, the slogan “Tiger in his tank” has new meaning. Woodsy also preferred a different orifice each time,… Read More »

There’s something fishy going on here. My guess is that the unexpected news of the pending nuptials between Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston is really just a ruse and not even true. The whole story is a publicity scam generated out of Sarah Palin‘s office. Well, seeing that her publicist is Bristol Palin, BSMP, LLC, the idea was to show the world just how forgiving and generous Sarah Palin is. And given the sensitive, personal nature of this matter, Sarah will come off as a magnanimous force of nature, hence a great candidate for the Presidency in 2012. Here’s how… Read More »

Boy, it has been way too long since I did an entry of The Nobody News. Summer is usually the best time for TNN because virtually every nobody thinks they are somebody and virtually every nobody is wrong about that. We are all entitled to a good time for sure, just let’s relax about who gets included in Wire Image and Patrick McMullan. At least in The Evening Hours by Bill Cunningham in The New York Times Style section they feature people that are doing some good by attending fundraisers. So…nobodies with money. Ouch. This edition of The Nobody News… Read More »

Not that I didn’t predict this, but Mel Gibson has put the final nail in his own coffin…and all I can say is, “Toodles, you psychotic nut bag”. Listening to the chilling tape of Mel ranting to the mother of his newest baby, whom he has recently clocked in the jaw, I agree with Oksana Grigorieva when she says to him that he needs medication. However, the only the medication I would prescribe to that anti-semite is arsenic…to put him out of his misery once and for all. The pity here is that Hollywood has continued to go back to… Read More »

Here we go again….yet, another celebrity-turned-stink. This time, Bruce Willis is the man of the hour. Yup, because I know how much you have wanted to smell like Bruce Willis since his Moonlighting days. I personally wanted to smell like him when he was in Death Becomes Her, with Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn. Speaking of which, these gals would NEVER sign on to become a fragrance. Back to Bruce. The Bruce Willis Collection includes an eau de parfum, hair and body wash, deodorant spray and after shave balm. HAIR?!? Have they seen him in the past 20 years? This… Read More »

Ya gotta give Ashley Dupre credit for her uncanny ability to reinvent herself over and over again. She’s gone from a Jersey Shore-type girl to Girl’s Gone Wild party gal to hooker. Then she went on to hooker with a master plan to fashionista (vis-a-vis Kelly Cutrone) to Dear John Abby, to desperate for acting reality show career (hence moving to Los Angeles) to her most recent claim of wanting to be a real estate mogul. This girl makes cats seem one dimensional. Anyhoo, imagine the line of guys who will want to be shown an apartment by Ashley. Clearly… Read More »

Hi there. Big holiday weekend. Am already away and wondered what to write about today, sitting idly by a pool. There’s not that much happening in the news, beyond the controversy between Mel Gibson and his Russian gold digger, Oksana Grigieva. Who knows, maybe she is a Russian spy, too. We all know what a sick f#&k Mel is, now we can officially add him to the list of nominees for Gross Baboon of the Year Award. This is shaping up to be quite a year. The first annual awards presentation with be held at the end of the year.… Read More »