“I Mean…What?!?” – Abe Gurko

The papers are trashing Jennifer Aniston for her newest bomb The Switch, which you could have seen coming a mile away by the premise alone. Who walks around with the sperm intended for the hoo-ha. Your biological time clock is ticking…what’s with the celebration before the fact? Hurry up girl…shove it in. Here’s how the casting of this role went down.

INT. CAA OFFICES – DAY

CAA AGENT: Here, Jen, do this movie, it’s called The Switch.
JENNIFER: Who is the director?
CAA AGENT: (Thinking to himself) Who does she think she is…Bette Davis?
JENNIFER: Is it yet another comedy?
CAA AGENT: It’s the two guys Josh Gordon and Will Speck. They’re hilarious.
JENNIFER: But a comedy? I didn’t hear so much as one chuckle when I sat in the back of a theater for The Bounty Hunter.
CAA AGENT: Well… (Beat) Don’t you want to make ten million dollars?
JENNIFER: Of course I want ten million dollars, but can’t we find a better way? Can’t I play a hooker with a heart of gold who gets beaten and saves children in Darfur? I want to know what it is like to have the word Oscar remotely near my name.
CAA AGENT: (Thinking to himself) Angelina get all those roles, girl.

And on another note: might I suggest that Jen put on some clothes, too. Yes, your body rocks. We know, we know. There isn’t a bus shelter in New York City that doesn’t have the Smart Water ads plastered on them showing your cooch. And there isn’t a red carpet event when her entire leg and everything above the nipple is exposed. Might I introduce you to the concept of over exposure…which includes images from campaigns as well as your lovely sun-kissed, toned shoulders. Jennifer is gunning for the title of “the new Goldie Hawn” who, too, has never so much has seen a shrug.

Good thing Jennifer is launching her new fragrance, LOLAVIE, which she describes as “a non-perfume perfume.” Exactly what is a non-perfume perfume? Air? Water? A waste of space? Nonsense? I vote for the two latter descriptions. Let’s start with the name…LOLAVIE. Ms. Aniston refused to say what it means besides, “It’s a long story and honestly it’s too personal to tell”, then added, “But it has special significance.” Us Weekly suggested Lolavie means “laughing at life”, which can also be interpreted as “laughing all the way to the bank”. Since Jennifer is a comedian, maybe it’s an inside joke. But the joke is on whoever buys into this campaign, or any other celebrity fragrance for that matter. I get wanting to look like your favorite star, but the whole smell like thing is just odd.